Tales of a dirty celt

Kayleigh, the subject of a Marillion hit, was probably an amnesiac, thus all this "do you remember" is wasted on her, plus finding out she's slept with someone called Fish will only confuse her further.

Just a thought, like.

Hmm...two entries in a week (or perhaps a little over)...quite prolific in these bleak times.  But yeah I start my new job next Monday (provided I get that contract, because my two references have responded accordingly), got another week to myself until then, should make another trip to London in that time, whether it's for longer than a day is to be decided (sorta a substitute for a holiday). 
I have been neglecting this medium, when perhaps it has been the best way of expressing myself, not withstanding the fact it's accessible to the whole world, I've never always been conscious of this factor, not really a barrier.  Perhaps I should actually get down and transfer this energy into some proper written work, that is pretty much what I'm banking my entire future on (with the ole "acting/performing" game, which I'm also to commit myself heavily to), might help to actually sit and fucking do some.  Now.  Except it's 1am.  But this is the problem, whatever the wider situation with me is, depression/anxiety/low-self-esteem, it has affected my motivation at times when I need it.  I'm still not sure of my direction just over a year after graduation, I've ideas of what I want to do, I need to really look at how I'm going to attain these targets, and actually believe I'm capable of achieving this, break out of my comfort zone and actually challenge myself to take steps closer to what I want to do.  This sounds like a general rant over achieving any basic task.  I was having a walk earlier (sounds like the beginning of a crap stand-up routine...more on those later), acknowledging my issues and trying to establish where I stand (again, I sound vague...perhaps even now I feel barriers toward expressing myself properly).  I'm not happy, which decreases my sense of self-worth, and that I must be a bad person capable of committing terrible things to make people dislike me.  And a vicious cycle develops from this in my head.  The facts are that: (1) I'm not a bad person, (2) people do value me, and (3) probably have a better opinion of me than I would allow myself to believe.  And without using this as an excuse, this works in tandem with my lack of a clear plan for my future, and as such I find it difficult to motivate myself.  If I want to write a song, a poem, or the early stages of a script, my barrier is "oh, but I'm just doing it for the sake of it, so it will be crap."  BOLLOCKS!!!  I plan to read more, but don't get round to it, because there's always another form of procrastination to keep me from it, so I waste hours doing nothing when I could have done something worthwhile and creative that at least proved a step to feeling I've achieved something.  These self-help guides sound cliched, but I think the "do one thing a day that scares you" couldn't ring any truer at the moment, it's a challenge.  Obviously don't do anything like playing hopscotch on a railway line, giving the vagrants in the Bus Station my debit card details or walking into one of Bedford's "estate" pubs in a tutu, that's just fucking stupid.  But even little things like losing weight but don't feel I've worked hard enough to attain, or getting my driving lessons sorted again (it has been, what, 4 years and a BA (Hons) since the last one).  I am going to start applying for courses for next Autumn again, both the Grad Diploma in "Acting", and the MA in Scriptwriting remain options.  I shall keep the open mic sessions up, if only because I've met more people through this, and feel I'm perhaps closer to establishing myself with friends again (among my doubts, and why not, I've had to start again since returning to Bedford).  My birthday is a week on Friday (19th), people have said they're coming out for that, I don't even think I would have gone out for my birthday a year ago, but that's one measure I've improved on, as sitting at home is quite boring and not the same as being out with people (something I might not have acknowledged a year ago, daft as that may seem).  Went to Jason's party on Thursday night, still have my anxieties about social situations as to people's perceptions of me, but I generally had a decent time, and perhaps these anxieties will decrease with increasing social situations I find myself in.  I need to do more theatre stuff.  There WILL be time for this amid my new job, because full-time hours are not a barrier, and should make me a better organised, greater motivated individual, who feels they can achieve anything.  Might sound like an exaggeration, but perhaps one change can lead to an improvement in other circumstances within my life.  I managed to get out of Pell & Bales, I always intended to leave in September, admittedly the original plan was to return straight to education, that's not happened immediately, but will do next year, this will be my final year in this town.

Haven't read back over this (sorta suspended consciousness for a bit), so whether there are any tangents that remain unseen to...meh.

Nitey nite for now
xxIAINxx

Brief update, sitting in t'dark listening to my I-Pod, cuz I'm considerate like that.  Currently on two weeks holiday from work, more on that in a mo.  Last few weeks been generally good/improved, my anxieties still remain thereabouts and it's up to me to curb them, value myself, and acknowledge how others value me.  Went to Brick Lane a couple of weeks ago for vintage shopping and a catch-up with Katy, little awkward but generally good craic, my jacket and overpriced sunglasses lead me to next event...last couple of Saturdays spent at parties, meeting more people, enjoying stuff a bit more.  Had an interview for post of "administrator" at Victim Support in Kempston last Friday, chuffed to say they phoned me yesterday offering me the post.  I've accepted, gonna get written confirmation n all that, gotta negotiate my release from Pell & Bales, not entirely sure how much notice I have to give, think it's only a week. 
Hopefully I should get away somewhere before my holiday ends.  Without tempting fate, I appear to be playing a short set at this all day event at the Flowerpot on Sunday, so I'm looking forward to that, subject to me not balls-ing it up (another example of me not being able to take positive news for what it is...GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!)
But anyway...got a birthday happening in just over 3 weeks, so hopefully I can do sommat nice for that, will probably be in the new job by then, nonetheless you can all come and PAY FOR MY DRINKS!!!! (although granted, presence and company are as equally as important as the material goods provided...or something).

Hope all is kool
xxIAINxx

Y'know what, I BLADDY WILL!!!!

I have of late, yet wherefore I know not what, lost all my mirth...forgone all custom of exercise.

Actually that only accounts for a small fragment of the truth.  My head and my overall mentality is perhaps heading more towards positivity, certainly will improve significantly if I get a new job, I'm applying for a few, as far as Pell & Bales are concerned I am using the system until I can get something better.  Which I'd bloody better.  Come September I will be applying for postgrad courses again, I will have a clearer picture, I will get involved in local theatre.  I will write more.  I will improve my guitar-playing.  I will meet more people.  I will value myself more in the company of others.  I am an interesting person.  I will hopefully have a bit more dosh.  I will LOOK AFTER my money.  I will lose weight, and not let this ridiculously hot weather prevent me from gymming (nice time for swimming).  I will take on board what everyone's been saying all along.  I WILL NOT LET THIS FUCKING NEGATIVITY GET ME DOWN, it's been going on for too long now.  I may eventually be emotionally prepared for a relationship of sorts, fuck I don't think all this self-awareness would fare too well in a what is meant to be a sign of mutual appreciation-cum-affection.  My diet will improve again, the anti-snacking bit is lapsing - FUCK OFF!!!!  Carrots are nice though, when there's no fruit in the house.  Speaking of which, I'm going to the market on Wednesday for more fruit, and a haircut (not at the market I add, "3 pound a pound of hair (and scalp)").  I will apply for more jobs.  I will write even more.  I will prove my worth, not just to myself and my bruised ego, but on a wider scale.  I won't be too desperate to prove myself though.  I won't, whilst using the system in my current mundane soulless job, let the numerous hostile people that make up the general public get me down with their constant refusals.  I won't let the CMs and trainers get me down with their ridiculous targets, over-reliance on statistics and lack of consideration for the term "context".  Although I have a degree, I won't feel frustrated that things aren't moving quickly enough in light of this, I will work harder to progress.  I miss the friends I made at uni, I know they seem to have moved on nicely enough, I will progress and meet more people, I will have a positive effect on more people.  I won't be in Bedford for much longer than a year.  I do intend to uproot.  I will pay that library fine off.  I will get more driving lessons with the funds come in.  I will send off for a new paper licence, so I can do my theory, which I will pass.  I will take the bins out on Wednesday morning, can't miss that collection.  I will have good times in various social occasions over the next month or so.  I will go somewhere nice in my two weeks off at the end of August.  I will allow all (or at least some of) my potential ideas for scripts, songs and stuff to get on to paper.  I will think better of myself.  I won't be arrogant, pigheaded or deluded, but I won't look for the negatives in every situation to do with me either - I will be positive.  I will have a nice birthday in September, which is on a Friday night, thus a perfect opportunity to do sommat nice.  I will have a nice time on my own for the next week and a bit or so, and not feel lonely.  I will be pleased when they're back though (and would hope they bought me sommat nice...not a priority though...haha).  I will go to bed in a moment.

Oh yeah, went to White Horse this evening, Ed's birthday (happy...that, Mr Ireland), jam set-up, full instruments and stuff.  Actually strummed my way through "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" in a band dynamic, not as bad as my negativity would suggest.

These entries may return to normal service soon.

I luv ya
xxIAINxx

Does the title not say it all? I've not updated, when I have had stuff to report, I guess I've just not felt like recording every minute of every day like I used to.
Recent times - had an audition in London a few weeks ago for a predominantly black theatre company (although race wasn't a barrier towards getting that audition) near Old Street, didn't get in, although the experience was nonetheless important given my lack of theatre practice is recent times.
 But alas...
(EDIT, as I stupidly forgot to mention this...)
Oh, and I had a fab time in Lancaster for Charlotte's birthday, bit of a mixed time for them mind, a major fallout between a few people, plus poor Leah's injury, but alas the night out was good, as was my first trip to the cinema in three years, to see "Prince Caspian", which I surprisingly enjoyed (not that I had too many negative preconceptions going in).
Jam/open mic nights have been a good laugh, haven't been to White Horse or Park as much in the last few weeks, due to lack of funds, sad that my recently-acquired friend Martin has uprooted to Southampton, on the same note best of luck, Bedford is a dump.  Although I have made the professional decision to remain here for another year, apply for another job and get some more theatre experience, whilst applying for all the drama schools doing the Graduate Diploma in Acting, as well as some Scriptwriting MA courses. 
On a job note, I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!!! The third instance of my hours being cancelled has sort of confirmed this, I've been feeling generally disillusioned of late by the idea of acquiring money from those who can't afford it, for the benefit of "meeting targets".  If people want to give to charity, there's no harm in allowing them to do it ON THEIR OWN TERMS!!  But yeah, I got tipped over the edge by a woman having a go at my approach over the phone, and was embarrasingly reduced to tears, though Karen let me have a few minutes break to sort myself out.  I do want out though, and am applying for more jobs, my abilities do stretch beyond reading a script off a screen with the hope of acquiring more donations from people (and completely disregarding the current economic climate in this country), fuck I do have a degree, I am worth at least something a bit more inspiring and fulfilling, while I motivate myself on the creative front.  I've not felt at my best this year, I do intend to get my ass into gear and put that right.  Sorta lowered my dosage of the tablets, but the doc doesn't recommend I stop until things are on track for me.  That might be a while, but hey...just need to look to the future, and do the unthinkable...BE FUCKING POSITIVE!!!

Oh, and it seems the girl I was dancing with at The Pad on Saturday seemed to like me, according to second hand info from James (via his mate Jess).  Sorta amusing, as that never happens to me, unless it's psycho-stalker-comp-sci-students (but enough of the past).

 Will be headed down the River Fest at the weekends, for rock, roll and alco-frolicks, hoping to catch up with people.
Adieu mes choix-fleurs
xxIAINxxn

I feel under-the-weather-at-the-mo, kinda dizzy and somewhat temperatured, so naturally the computer is the healthiest thing to be looking at. 
The weekend and the Kaisers were ace, mind.  Mum unfortunately wasn't feeling too good, and couldn't make it to Leeds, so I went up on my tod on Saturday morning, and nonetheless had a worthwhile experience.  Got trains from Sandy (cheaper than Bedford) and Peterborough up to Leeds, after a bit of a faff I found my hotel, practically round the corner from the station.  Got my stuff together, and headed to find busses to Elland Road, which again, were closer than I'd thought, but again after an arse about, I got a free bus down to the stadium, couldn't flog my spare ticket, but it was free so I didn't really lose too much.  Saw a bit of Friendly Fires while consciously aware I needed drink (both sorts), once that factor was achieved, I headed back into the ground (stupid one way systems), frontwards in time to see the Young Knives.  Definitely one of the last bands I would ever expect to see in a stadium environment (support act or not), but certainly put on a decent set, mix of new songs, and the bigger "hits" off the first album ("Decision", "Weekends and Bleak Days", finished with "She's Attracted To".)  Kate Nash followed, didn't have her record, but she was impressive nonetheless, especially given some knobs through stuff at her (something landed in her drink, which she proclaimed was "well funny...but I need anuvver drink".)
Queuing at outside beer tent gave me both sides of the Elland Road experience.  The stadium is impressive.  But the dicks behind me in the queue reminded me what I dislike about the supposedly "hardcore" element of football fans.  You don't have to want to kill/hurt people to like football, trust me ("I've there were a Man United supporter, I'd fookin stab him", or words to that effect - did they smell me coming? In any case, other than giving a "you're a dick" type look of disapproval to some oxygen-thieve who said something I deemed inappropriate about the Munich air crash, I gave no impressive I even liked football, let alone some team from the other side of the Pennines...anyway, it's a just a fucking game!!!)
But yes, back to the gig itself, having survived the beer queue unscathed, pint in hand, I headed back into the stadium, and to the front for The Enemy.  While limited at times song-wise, they put on a decent enough set, played the crowd well, even if that simply means shouting "Yorkshire", and "who's looking forward to the Kaiser Chiefs!!!" etc.  But alas, after some downright lazy DJing from pop-plagiarist Mark Ronson (playing songs off your laptop and pretending to use turn-tables does not constitute a DJ set), twere time for the headline act.  In the past I wasn't a big fan of the Kaiser Chiefs, as I felt they were somewhat overexposed, and indeed there are still so many bands I prefer, but yet listening to their stuff again, and seeing their live show has given me a new-found liking-cum-almost-love of the band (wouldn't have entered for those tickets if I didn't).  Ricky was on form as usual, one of my highlights was Ryan Jarman, frontman of the actual greatest band in Yorkshire, The Cribs, joining them on stage for "Modern Way".  As a whole, the set was enjoyable, the crowd were on good form, certainly not bad for a gig I didn't pay a penny to see (let us disregard travel and accomodation for a moment...speaking of travel...)
Post-gig was was a bit of mini-mare, considered an actual service bus from Elland Road back into the town, but the street was closed to traffic, due to large influx of fans.  Thankfully I proceeded to ask a copper if there was a shuttle service/where it was, and was duly directed (tear gas and batons not required).  The service wasn't free, had to buy a £2 ticket, and then pack myself among a shambolic set of queues, which sort of overlapped each other.  Having climbed a barrier to even get myself in contention for a bus, I eventually made it on with relative comfort, and got back to the city.  Got some food from a takeaway near my hotel, considered a quick stop at the Cockpit, would've done were my legs less tired.  But headed back to the hotel bar for a night-cap, and retired to my executive twin room.  Didn't have enough to fork out for the pricey breakfasts, even with my £7.50 "discount" vouchers, so having stayed in bed long enough to miss being in contention for breakfast, I checked out, and headed for a walk around the shops.  Picked up The Clash's "Combat Rock", and Kate Nash's "Made of Bricks", both sale items from that ridiculously-named chain.  Got a much cheaper breakfast from the cafe side of the self-same takeaway I'd been in roughly 12 hours previously (coincidence?...well no, just good planning).  After a bit of sitting near water fountains, I headed to the station for southbound travel.  With my head not being quite where it should've been, somehow the idea of changing at Doncaster and getting a service that would ACTUALLY STOP AT PETERBOROUGH somehow slipped my mind, hence after Newark, the ticket man dulely checked mine, and had a go seeing as I was essentially travelling too far, and should have changed at Doncaster.  May have made a small error of judgement, but alas I was changing at Stevenage, a whole 10-15 miles south of my given destination, so it's not as if I was stealing rail travel (haha, I'm going to clock up RAIL MILES!!!) In any case, he "let me off this once" (what does that mean? does he expect to see me again,  pulling more travel scams? Perhaps I might use the toilet while the train is stationary, and the smell will set a land tremor, causing the country to expand, and me to get a few more miles for my money).  In any case I changed at Stevenage, short slow train back northward to Sandy, where Dad picked me up, and back home.  Went to the jam night at the Cross Keys Sunday evening, not bad although perhaps prefer the intimacy of the Park's Sunday session.  Went open mic last night, worked today, where the not-feeling-too-good kicked in.
Nothing of interest else really to report.  Meh...

xxIAINxx

It's been about a month, let's not be a dick about this, I need to update.  Just haven't really quite been arsed to do so lately,  But alas...I'm here now. 
Been a bit to report since last update (I'm not literally looking at the last one, and making note of what I haven't covered...I just have a scarily photographic memory).  The audition in Birmingham was a bit shite, but I did at least get constructive criticism (I didn't even get feedback in Cardiff), and will fucking build on this.  Still making applications at the mo, my superobjective remains the same, the routes towards achieving this have been a little widened, but I am trying (and fucking going to) push hard to achieve what I want to achieve. 
Brain-wise...touch and go, not seeing the counsellor any more, don't feel I can go any further on that front, so I'm going it alone.  I and others know I'm a decent person, I just have to let go of all the shit.  That's my frankness bit done. 
The last week's been an assortment of...stuff.  Bank Holiday weekend not too bad, Katy came down for the weekend, took her to the gym for swimming sesh, naturally inhaled too much water (I think inhaling ANY is probably too much).  Did a couple of open mic sessions, all good on that front, am meeting more ace people, feeling a bit more accepted, making Bedford that bit more bearable (overuse of word "more").  Missed work Tuesday and Wednesday due to hayfever going all bastardy on me and preventing me speaking properly (added sneeze-fest included).  Alas I'd improved somewhat by Thursday, to head to London in the evening for assorted fun.  Created my own London experience in an unspectacular-yet-DIY kinda stylee, which is always satisfying.  Met Andrew in Leicester Square, for comedy fun at the 99 Club (downstairs in the Ku Bar, apparently London's finest gay bar), headlined as usual by Trevor  Lock.  Other comedians were equally funny, Sarah Kendall an Aussie who among other things questioned  Nicole Kidman advertising a "brainpower" product, Stuart Goldsmith mocked the posh and their tendencies to address pets as undisciplined humans.  Andrew accompanied me on tube back to Euston, and caught tube from there up to Angel, before bussing to Stoke Newington, where I met Katy for quick drinks at one of her locals, before heading back to her flat.  She crashed to bed quite quickly, so spent a few hours watching BBC3 trash with her one of flatmates Robin (including "Hi, I'm Chelsea"'s quest to become a glamour model...she failed, an Irish woman's quest to stop becoming a compulsive spender due to her £15,000 or so of debt...she probably failed, and teenagers embarrased by their parents' sex lives...thinkwe opted for sleep at that point).  Woke up at half 6 by Katy getting ready for work, made me a cuppa n all.  Drifted in and out of sleep during BBC's Breakfast (not because it was massively boring...Def Leppard or not), before finally pulling myself showard-bound at 10ish, and making tracks 10:30ish, by which point all remaining flatmates were either at work/still asleep.  Rather than making the obvious choice of getting breakfast somewhere, I opted for a little stroll up to the station to find/confirm-my-fears-that Stoke Newington isn't on the tube network, hence I opted for another little stroll through a graveyard (quite tranquil...though I was listening to my I-Pod...no one's perfect), and then down Church Street, catching a bus halfway down to Highbury & Islington tube (awkward trip through Gooner territory).  Tubed to Camden Town via Kings Cross St Pancras, and thus the joys of the market.  Got a tee from the lock market, Morrissey CD from a record stall in the main market, decided not to check ashes of Hawley Arms, or bother Winehouse (didn't actually know she lived where she did), hence after a choccy doughnut or 3 (energy boost), got tubes eventually down to Oxford Circus, and a completely unavoidable sprending spree in Topshop (I tripped over and landed on some white skinny jeans, a yellow Marc Bolan t-shirt and a light denim jacket, which miraculously created a summer outfit, next thing I know I was doing my chip and pin at the check-out, making light banter with assistants...entirely unavoidable).  Jumped back on tubes, and after a couple of changes, circulated on Fulham Broadway, hope of the unpleasantly wealthy, and more to the point *spits* some franchise in blue.  Decided to make a visit (gotta check out the enemy...did fancy a visit to a football ground...don't need to prove my anti-lad/yob credentials) to said franchise's stadium, infiltrated club shop selling ridiculous Champions League final merchandise under the premise they seem to believe they will win (yes, I AM scared they will, always hope though), almost purchased a commemorative CL final football, in spite of the fact I don't like playing sport, and am shit at it, but purely for memorabilia (and perhaps a bit of attempting to play), however came to overall conclusion I don't want Chelsea PLC really getting any more money, let alone mine, thus a late snub (now THEY know how it feels).  A return to sanity saw a trip back on the tube to St Pancras, and ultimately home and knackered. 
Today was both shifts at works (and a grand total of 7 hours worked this week, all today), at least got a rest-of-weekend-of-rest (clever...).  Popped into that beer festival, a bit ridiculous, went to Bedford Arms with parents before heading home for tea.  Headed back out later for checking-of-vibe-freestyle-solo-couple-of-pints at the Hob and the Bear, before heading back.  Things are improving, I just need to keep focusing (and not sound like a stupid cliche).  It's summer.  This should make me happy.  Correction.  I should make me happy. 

Anyroad...
hope all is kool with everyone.  Diolch n fawr
xxIAINxx

"Like woh an update dude," to paraphrase the latest run of teen comedies in on our big screens at the moment.

Yeah this weekend has been pretty good, considering the general apprehension I seem to have when faced with new situations, which at any case doesn't stop me by any means, and not being conservative by any means, I'm not scared of change.  Much.  Well perhaps a bit.  Though having said my life has been constantly changing and evolving over the last year, but it does mean that my goals are within reach, the audition in Birmingham next Wednesday being a prime example, and something I need to work my ass off for, but know that in doing so I will reap the benefits.  But having just got sidetracked there, back to the weekend review.  Worked all day Saturday, quite frustrating, especially given that I was being monitored, and was caught muttering that a particularly uncharitable know-it-all donor was a "f***ing b****" when I perhaps hadn't properly hung up.  Apparently I sound uninterested as to what the callers have to say, which is not true, even if I did perhaps rush through the calls on Saturday, stress due to the frustration of my crap results, yet these things work in tandem, better delivery = results (sounds like a cliche for a Lucozade ad).  I did point out to the person  monitoring me that I did get some strong results on Thursday, and wished my calls could have been monitored then, but I suppose consistency in the key.  Alas, not to be downhearted by a frustrating day's work I duly headed out to town in the eve, the result of an overwhelming desire to get out to due 5 days on the wagon, the particular bonus being Jason's birthday "bonanza" (part III). 

Was a good night though, in spite of inevitable nerves, my wallet and head certainly suggested so this morning, met some nice new people, had a rate laugh.  Photos seem to back this up.  Spent a couple of hours in the Hobgoblin, duly purchasing birthday boy an initial drink, quickly got talking to afforementioned "nice new people", as well as those I knew from open mic n related malarky.  DJ played my Stiff Little Fingers and Damned request, even played "Motorcycle Emptiness" (didn't need to ask for it).  Found Wally numerous times (would have a made an interesting "Where's Not Wally" among them).  Headed to the Pad after kicking out time, and more D.A.N.C.E. and alco-larkies/shenanigans, bumping into people I'd not seen in a while and so forth.  Highlights include worrying that I'd disturbed an intimate moment between Jacko and Sam D'Arcy, to which the latter promptly replied to the contrary, very-drunkenly saying hello to and becoming involved in conversation with Pat Rafferty, in spite of the fact:
(1) I hadn't seen him for best part of 5 years;
(2) he probably didn't know who I was anyway.
But anyroad, people started disappearing around 3, and hence my short stagger home (well actually the walk was fairly coherent - from what I remember - and I didn't wake anyone up when I got in) and beddies.

Today mostly was spent being lethargic, musing over this lethargy, and generally being passive over the whole confronting-the-lethargy-in-a-practical-manner issue.  Far more fun just to watch telly (barring the fact the last thing I want to see when tired is superfit athletes running the marathon).  Watched the matches today, Liverpool-Blackburn, followed by t'big one, United beating the Arse in spite being outplayed (but then again Adebayor DID use his hand to score), sweet free-kick from Canadian-German-Englishman Hargreaves.  Played a few songs at The Park, including my live debut of "The Devil and Alice", inspired by Caryl Churchill's Vinegar Tom (definitely needs tweaking, but the sentiment's there).  Anyways, long shift tomorrow.

This seems more like a vague report than a journal entry.  Whaddayagonnadoaboutit? Fire me (which is any case is only valid if you're name is Andrew Cooper, in which case I duly show my gratitude in faux-Japanese).  Meh.  Lolz0rz.  Or something.

Hope everyone stays beautiful
xxIAINxx

Well since the last entry two pieces of news arrived for me within the same delivery of post:
(1) I haven't made it past the first audition for Cardiff (a bit disappointing, although it was only my 1st audition.
(2) I have an audition for Birmingham School of Acting on Wednesday 23rd - which as I have time for I will work even harder for, and make myself bloody counted!!!
I'm making other applications too, I really want to succeed, not merely for the purpose of escaping Bedford (added bonus, mind), but a chance to learn, seek new challenges, develop my skills and, big plus, MAKE MYSELF COUNTED!!!  I'm abandoning self-deprication and my biggest burden, my lack of self-confidence or self-belief, simply because I can't afforded my negativity to get the better of me.  Yes, I do need to be realistic, hence the amount of hard work I'm willing to put in, to display the fact I do have more talent than I give myself credit for, but I need to justify this with an equally big work ethic.

Sunday night was one of the best gigs I've been for ages, The Long Blondes at Cambridge Junction.  Perhaps there was an extra incentive as I had a bit of a difficult night on Saturday, but headed down to Cambridge on Sunday, only annoyance being the fact it was £7 for a taxi from the city centre to the Junction, and I could have walked it from Drummer Street bus station if I'd known how close it was.  But alas...the gig itself was ace, Kate Jackson and co (Dorian, Emma, Reenie and Screech) are genuii.  Mix of 1st album and new stuff, about 50:50 split, came back for an encore of "Giddy Stratospheres".  They've gone from one of my favourite new-ish bands to among my favourites full-stop after seeing them live (I know I sound like a right fanboy, but f0ck you!!).  Got a tee, and a bag for Bethan, which admittedly took most of my drink money but I was staying largely sober anyroad.  Did open mic this eve at White Horse, still developing more original stuff which I don't want to do the disjustice of only half-playing (such as with "Late Licence" one of my new ones), but I could probably have a couple finished by next Sunday's session, while I'm being all creative n that.

Hope all is well with youse pish-heads

xxIAINxx

I have an update due, in which I actually have stuff to report, and yet I've not been able to motivate myself to write it until now.  What is wrong with me, I use to update 3 times every 20 minutes about the most trivial of nonsense.  Ah well.

Currently typing on my laptop, of which the "L" key has fallen off, my new I-Pod shuffle I won in a raffle at work for merely turning up (is it me or are incentives getting lower) is charging, the only problem being when I try to transfer my music to I-tunes so I can get it on the device in the first place my computer craps out...only I can make this such a hassle.

But yes...things to report...I had my audition in Cardiff last Friday at the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama for Postgraduate Diploma in Acting.  It went well enough, could have been better, but I have applied/am applying for more courses, and will have more time to prepare for other auditions, this being my first at this level.  Had a nice couple of days break in Cardiff in addition to the audition (ooh, unintentionally similar-sounding words), staying in a somewhat quaint B&B in Pontcanna (near Sophia Gardens, 5 mins walk from the city), my room being single en-suite meant the shower was literally next to my bed, so I guess I could watch telly while showering (that thought never having previously occurred to me), though a double-blow in remembering I was in Wales I resigned myself to not seeing "Skins" on the Thursday night on C4, while the following day realising I could in fact receive it, due to close proximity to West of England reception (probably), but alas...Made an obligatory stroll down the Millennium Stadium riverside walk, went out for a drinks on the Friday night, saw some bands at the Barfly, revelled in the fact that drinks in Cardiff/Wales are generally cheaper than Bedford, and that I don't have to bankrupt myself to get more than 3 pints.  I guess the idea of taking myself away to another city (generally anywhere bigger/better than Bedford), and getting by on my own was liberating, and has underlined the fact I need to get away from Bedford this year to further my career/life ambitions.  Interesting mind-tackling train journey back to London on Saturday furthered my creative spark, prompting a monologue-cum-song-cum-rant about a certain conservative tabloid rag, whose offices I passed on the train approaching Didcot Parkway.  How apt that the voice of Middle England should base themselves in a faceless grey business park in the middle of Oxfordshire, perhaps being based in London might have kept them too far in touch with reality. 

Other than that...working, doing open mic, drinking when possible, off to see the Long Blondes on Sunday, making ill-advised bids on Ebay, plotting my escape and planning my future.

All for now
xxIAINxx

I guess I'm due another update, which have been infrequent for some time, but alas I do actually have sommat to report on, so wooh for I.  It's my half-birthday, an occasion I light-heartedly celebrated last year with a few pints at Cwrt Mawr bar, didn't quite mark the event this year, but I did receive my camcorder which I ordered the other day off of t'internet, and true to its word it adhered to the 24-48 hour express delivery, damn right seeing as I paid extra, £90-ish altogether, though it be around £150 in the shops so I'm sure I've got the better deal. 
Stupid crap in my head still exists in places, but I'm taking actions to rid myself of such crap, having a 2 week break from counselling at the mo, taking the ole tabs, and hoping to use some of Andrew's expert advice (as daft as it seems, I've not taken the time to meditate yet, to perform possibly the most effortless task in the world other than sleeping...something I should consider though).  Speaking of the Coop-Dogg, last week was the filming sessions in London for his project, and with that my first show-reel experience.  Overall twas a kool couple of days filming, met some ace new people (granted they may not consider themselves "new", having been alive for some years now, however for the purpose of my knowing them) and discovered the weird and wonderful world of the Kent-London border (now I'm in Kent...now I'm in London...now I'm...OW!!!), including dogs outnumbering children, chavs being in bed by 9pm, Andrew's local which attempted to exclude Ravensbourne students by going over-25, only to have a dramatic decrease in profits and forced to come crawling back to the younger set, though strangely the student discount card is only valid one night a week.  Seemed too quiet for my liking, but at least gave us a chance to talk. But yeah was a nice few days away.  Not the only big news by any means, next Friday I have an audition for a PostGrad diploma at the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama in Cardiff, don't want to jinx that by mentioning it, essentially I have to work my ass off preparing my pieces, but I have a better idea of what I want to work on, so I shall spend a lot of my free moments over the next week working on stuff, which is where the camcorder, my long-term investment comes in, as filming myself will give me a chance to look back and see how I can improve. 
Chance for another brief break away from Bedford, hopefully more of these auditions come along as I'm applying for various places, this is my future now, and what I'm trying to put my energies into, ignore all the irrelevant crap, and assure myself I am worthy. 

Hope everyone is kool.  Shall try and catch up with people over the Easter period.
xxIAINxx

Firstly hello.  Formalities over. Now fuck off.

Fuck.

Off.

OK, I assume that as you're still here you haven't been put off.  Yeah, things have improved somewhat lately, nothing's perfect, and I could still a feel a shitload better, but my mindset is a lot less harsh than it was in November/December.  Started counselling sessions again last week, although the next one isn't til the end of the month, due to the counsellor being away for a few weeks.  I think the main factor, which my family have stressed more than anything else, is that the thoughts are not relevant, the key factor is why I feel the way I do.  The fact I've come out and confronted part of this on my journal is a little progress, as I wouldn't have wanted to do this a few months ago, I guess I would worry I was attention-seeking, and that add another bit of fuel to the fire of my obsessional neurosis (a form of OCD no less).  The extent of my thoughts are for my private notes only though, I think writing letters about how I feel about myself will be beneficial, and the unpleasant nature of the thoughts and mental associations I clearly don't want to have or happen, and they won't, there is no question of that.  As I said, the nature of the thoughts aren't important, I know I don't like them and they wouldn't occur, the bigger picture is the fact I am not currently happy about my life, and even this makes me feel awkward as I know there are a hell of a lot more people in worse places than me, but perhaps I need to be selfish to an extent in that I acknowledge that this is about me, but having said, I've got to address that, I appreciate I have people to support me, but it's ultimately up to me.  I need to focus on my goals in life, and get everything in order.

That was probably a bit more lengthy than I'd intended.  Now the report on events of my life I'd originally intended to write, as that jovial jokey introduction to this entry should have preceded.  I probably had one of my best weekends for ages since moving back to Bedford, not withstanding my Saturday night in Birmingham in December for the Manics which was kool in itself, although the fact I was determined to do something positive and make a good weekend for myself seemed to pay off, not spectacularly, things just felt a little nicer.  Saturday night I went to see Lightspeed Champion (a.k.a. Katy's friend Dev...well she's really friends with Rory off of Test-Icicles, and knew Dev as an acquaintance through him, but this sounds better) at Esquires, on my tod, but still it was a good laugh, chatted with randoms, a touch I clearly haven't lost (not that I've always felt confident doing so), first band The Guildean Gang were quite impressive, from Biggleswade in fact and managed by Stuart from the Bedford Arms.  Semifinalists were 2nd on, augmented by Dev himself, and in turn they joined him on a few songs.  My slight mixing of drinks (Newcy Broon and Carlsberg is hardly lighter fluid and anti-freeze though) may have enhanced my merriment, but all in a good way.  But yeah, Lightspeed were (assuming we treat them as a band fronted by Devonte, rather the man himself) amazing, started with a few acoustic numbers, before the crowd got going with "Galaxy of the Lost", probably the most people I've seen singing that song at any one point, which isn't that abnormal, when you consider they too were Lightspeed fans, probably the entire Bedford-and-surrounding-area fanbase fitting into a 200 or so capacity venue.  So he played the comparative "hits", I'm annoyed my album what I done ordered off of the Play.com hasn't arrived yet (Bedford is probably the biggest town in Britain without a record shop).  Came back on for an encore solo version of "Buddy Holly" by Weezer.  Tried to queue for him to sign my merch (got Bethan a bag which I initially thought was an apron...he's branched out), alas the bouncers only let a few through.  Tempted to use the "but my sister knows him" card, but thought better, and just merely in a mock-angry tone the bouncer I'd get my sister on him (which was half of what I intended to say).
Had a bit of a browse downstairs afterwards seeing as it was free, probably somewhere I'd stay at great length when out with others, but no matter.  I'm going to see I Was a Cub Scout there on the 22nd, and The Long Blondes in Cambridge in April. 
Monday night was open mic at the White Horse, first time I've played live in Bedford, first time I've played live at all since last March.  Apart from the fact I'm trying to develop from strumming flat chords, went down quite well, played my own number "Destructive" (trying to get back to develop my repetoire, kinda useful expressing myself through such means), as well a verse of Billy Bragg's "To Have and to Have Not", "Albion" by the Doherty chap, and "Ocean Rain" by Echo and the Bunnymen.  Got quite a positive response, and Matt the fella that runs it recommended I come back and play again, enjoyable anyway seeing others performing, feeling part of something again.  Gonna go to the writer's night at the Park on Sunday. 
Today was the first of a two/three-part stage towards getting some work.  Had an interview/good assessment-scenario at a charity call-centre on Manton Heights.  Sorta cut it fine getting there, involved me power walking the length of Brickhill Drive (and remembering why it's called BrickHILL), but got there with time to spare in the end.  The afternoon involved us doing a group debate on the most deserving charity to donate to, and conducting a mock attempt at a getting a donation by phone to one of the interviewees from another office.  But I've made it through the training stage, which is Friday afternoon and all day Saturday, so if I pass that (which I bloody should) I'll have a job for next week.  I'm obliged to do 15 hours a week there, I can push to 20 really, and hopefully the theatres should get back to me with regards to some work-experience, the job is merely a supplement to my vocation training.  I'm making my MA applications this month (ideally in the next couple of weeks while I've still got time).  Got gigs and sessions to look forward to, Andrew's birthday is at the end of the month so I'm going down sahf-east London to see him, and I may have other projects in the pipeline.  More on that later. 

Probably the most I've written about myself for ages.

Hope everyone is kool.  Stay beautiful
xxIAINxx

OK, there's probably something similar out there, but I have in fact taken the initiative to invent one of those annoying music quizzy type things that circulate.  Don't like it?? Effin' do one then, you effin' cee. 

Basically, put your Win Media/I-Tunes/other-brands-are-available on shuffle, and place the first artists/bands to begin with a particular letter next to afformentioned letter e.g. E for Englebert Humperdinck, W for The White Stripes, etc, keep going until you have an act for every letter (unless of course you don't any acts beginning with a particular letter, in which case you're a bit screwed...alas this should probably work).

A AC/DC  Back in Black
B Babyshambles  8 Dead Boys
C Carbon  The Network's Going Dowm
D David Bowie Suffragette City
E Echo and the Bunnymen  Never Stop
F The Flaming Lips  Waiting for a Superman
G Graham Coxon  No Good Time
H Hal  What a Lovely Dance
I Idlewild  4 People Do Good
J JJ72  Oxygen
K Kaiser Chiefs  Saturday Night
L Les Breastfeeders  Tout Va Pour Le Mieux Dans Le Pires Des Mondes
M Manic Street Preachers  Love's Sweet Exile
N Nirvana  Territorial Pissings
O Oasis  The Meaning Of Soul
P Primal Scream  Kill All Hippies
Q Queen + Paul Rodgers  Another One Bites the Dust
R R.E.M.  It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)
S Stiff Little Fingers  Guitar and Drum
T Travis  Walking in the Sun
U Ugly Kid Joe  Everything About You
V The View  Typical Time
W We Are Scientists  The Great Escape
X XTC   Statue of Liverty
Y The Young Knives  Weekends and Bleak Days (Hot Summer)
Z The Zutons Remember Me

Corrie actually made me cry at the end, especially Jack's response, the scene outside with his pigeons.

I guess I haven't updated in a while.  In the meantime we've had  a Christmas, a New Year, I no longer work at BREC, looking for some voluntary stuff in theatres at the mo.  2007 had its moments, not least my graduating from uni with a 2:1!!!! Meeting new people even in the latter stage of education was also enjoyable.  Missing some of the best friends I've made and not having much of a social life since returning to Bedford, plus my recent state of mind which I won't go into on the journal as I've decided it's unnecessary (but am nonetheless intent on improving) were the negative elements of the year.
On the plus side, I hope to get on to an MA course in acting this Autumn, hence am trying to get relevant work experience in theatres.  I've been in touch with Woodenhill, a local group that among other things put on drama workshops in the workplace, and also for particular groups.  They may have some projects running, and I'm also on to other local links at the mo, possibly looking as far afield as London (being equidistant to London and the East Midlands it's worth checking Leicester out too).

But the main purpose of this update, if belatedly, is that annual list I make of my best albums and tracks of the last year.  In places I've included albums/tracks released towards the end of 2006, as I make the eligibility criteria, what's it to ya??? (and plus I didn't buy many new albums last year...enough to be considered for a list of 10 though).  I've also added a "classic" list, of older tracks that have had a positive impact on me, having either rediscovered them, or picked up on them.  And naturally my favourite song ever must be included, I did after all see the band in question twice last year.
Few things though...no Mika, he's not the worst artist in the world yet rather annoying.  The Hoosiers are just shockingly shite.  Ronson can fuck right off.   Predictably my opinion on Blunt hasn't changed.
But anyway...the lists.

TOP 10 ALBUMS
1 BLOC PARTY - A Weekend In The City
2 MANIC STREET PREACHERS - Send Away The Tigers
3 THE CRIBS - Men's Needs, Women's Needs, Whatever
4 THE YOUNG KNIVES - Voices Of Animals And Men
5 BABYSHAMBLES - Shotter's Nation
6 THE VIEW - Hats Off To The Buskers
7 THE LONG BLONDES - Someone To Drive You Home
8 MAXIMO PARK - Our Earthly Pleasures
9 ARCADE FIRE - Neon Bible
10 KLAXONS - Myths Of The Near Future

TOP 10 TRACKS
1 MANIC STREET PREACHERS FT NINA PERSSON - Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
2 THE CRIBS - Men's Needs
3 THE LONG BLONDES - Once And Never Again
4 MAXIMO PARK - Our Velocity
5 BLOC PARTY - Song For Clay (Disappear Here)
6 BLOC PARTY - I Still Remember
7 THE CRIBS - Moving Pictures
8 MAXIMO PARK - Books From Boxes
9 MANIC STREET PREACHERS - Autumnsong
10 THE YOUNG KNIVES - The Decision
(I do like more than 4/5 bands though, there were loads of songs to consider)

CLASSIC TRACKS
1 MANIC STREET PREACHERS - A Design For Life
2 THE CULT - She Sells Sanctuary
3 STIFF LITTLE FINGERS - Alternative Ulster
4 THE CLASH - Guns Of Brixton
5 THE DAMNED - Neat! Neat! Neat!
6 BILLY BRAGG - The Warmest Room
7 ECHO & THE BUNNYMEN - Ocean Rain
8 RANCID - Fall Back Down
9 THE PRIMITIVES - Crash
10 TOY DOLLS - Nellie The Elephant

I suppose I've not been opening up enough on my recent (if rare at the mo) updates, but then probably because I'm compensating for the whiny ones of yesteryear.  Although people do generally change in 4 years, and perhaps I should be less harsh of my self, not think of the worst, and accept that I have. 

Kinda been plagued with irrational anxieties of late.  Don't know why they would have to come around now, perhaps I don't have anything to focus on at the mo, which I would have done at uni, and I would probably still have been anxious, but at completely rational things.  Perhaps.  In any case my recent entries have highlighted the positives, which perhaps what I should be concentrating on, but my mind doesn't seem to be able to focus on that.  I'll have these thoughts, which are completely irrational when I've mad e sense of them, and not something truly likely to happen, or that I would even believe in, but I guess my mind is active, but lacking something to focus on.  But the anxieties do occasionally stretch to things I should be worrying about, like getting a better job, and funding the next step on my career path.

I guess talking has helped, even if I do feel stupid coming out with the anxieties, and worry that I have some sort of mental illness, which I am assured that I don't have.  But perhaps I should be focusing on the things I do have.  Joined the gym, getting a programme sorted, which is just as well, as my BMI reads 25.2, a 0.2 overweight, which deeply sucks.  But I pledge to go twice a week for an hour, which should reduce it.  I've made progress since summer through rarely snacking, and doing reasonable exercise, but I'm increasing it.  I WANT TO BE THIN!!! (I'm not going to disguise that as "Toned", THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....slim is a reality though, just want skinny jeans to look good on me, and to have a better self esteem.  So wrong?)  I'm looking for theatre stuff to do and boost my chances of getting on to MA/PostGrad Diploma courses related to acting.  I want funds, I want to be good, and focused, I JUST FUCKING WANT IT!!!!

My mind just scares me occasionally, but perhaps it's going wayward because I need motivating, and to believe in myself and have something to focus on.  I still worry that these thoughts will reoccur, and thoughts aren't actions but still get to me, even if they're not true, and are extremely unlikely.

Judge me if you will, I don't care, I need to let off some steam somehow.  I will feel better, I'm capable of at least partly rationalising this. Perhaps I need to let this out in the form of an entry, I have discussed my state of mind with my Mum, she assures me there's nothing with me, and she's probably right. 

xxIAINxx

I've decided that "Song For Whoever" by The Beautiful South, and "Archives of Pain" by the Manics are in direct polar opposites to each other, and therefore must have the "inappropriate bootleg" treatment done...perhaps.

Yeah, things have been not too bad in the last week, largely owing to my ability to begin to rationalise half the anxieties in the head and dammit I might EVEN be developing a bit of self-belief.  I  (still) have targets, I just perhaps feel they are that little bit more achievable.  Got a couple of job applications on the go, joining gym to get slimmer, may be off to Aber at the end of the month, off to Manics next month - there are a lot worse positions I could be in.  I intend to be elsewhere next year, so I'm looking at unis/drama colleges to pursue my postgrad options.  My intended extra curricular activities should give me some more experience.  Sounds kinda vague, this is me still convincing myself in that old cliched "self-help" manner "You are good enough...probably".

But anyway...had a nice quiet weekend, parents went up Durham to the McCanns, Bethan and I successfully kept house, watched telly, she had her mates round for some dinner and drink n stuff (so naturally, being a responsible adult, I did the booze run).  Watched that sport what I don't usually mention in these entries on Sunday, good game.  Back in the ole' writing frame again, experimenting a bit with my guitar (well, whilst my mind is wandering...).

This again is a nothing entry, you'd think I'd know better, even when I was doing a 10 day I still had sommat varied to write about. Still...

When all the unfinished stuff has actually amounted to something I'll probably have more to talk about.

Adios p00py-pants
xxIAINxx

Yep an update.  Hasn't really been much to report, hence lack of LJ entries recently (I know, I used to be on 10 entries a day, I've slacked a bit).  Recently had stomach bug, birthday and some other stuff, working at BREC at the mo, looking for work in similar capacity (if more challenging) but better paid.  Other than that...hoping to go to Aber soon and see people, but want to book a couple of days before that materialises.  Other plans too.  Domestic situation annoys me a bit, certain people could take more responsibility and ease the pressure on others, but here's probably not the place for that, although this was always the forum to vent my frustrations (and there a still a few...) but I perhaps seem to have toned down on that.  I might not be billions of pounds in debt (any more), weighed down by coursework, or being stalked by a deranged comp-sci (again any more), but there are still feelings and thoughts to report.  At the mo I am not in spleen-venting mode thus this shall be left for now.  I miss my friends.  Shall see you soon.

Yep, you fakkin' heard.

Suppose an update is in order, seeing as I've been negligent of late (alternately one could view this as being less obsessive with regards to constantly updating, but either way I'm here now). 

Had an interview on Monday for a post as "Administration and Events Officer" at Social Enterprise East of England. I felt I composed myself well, and gave well-thought responses in spite of the challenging nature (which wasn't unexpected), however the response was quick, received a letter today informing me I am "unsuccessful", essentially due to a more suitable experienced candidate being chosen.  Kinda sucky but I can't afford to let it get me down, there SHALL be more opportunities, already making more applications, something permanent will arise, and my well thought out plan will come to fruition.  I do intend this to be my last year in Bedford, and to be off pursuing my MA next year, presuming (and why shouldn't I) that I will have enough funds to support myself.

Off on holiday next week, so that's something to look forward to.  Either Aberystwyth or Scotland, still sorting at the moment. 

Birthday the following week.  I'm guessing that I will involve myself more back here, even if Bedford does get me down, and even still scares me to an extent, but I don't want to miss out.  I want to regain my not-dead-yet creative spark, I'm starting writing again.  I'm too distracted for it to come naturally for me anymore, and that frustrates the fuck out of me, I just need to rather than block everything out, use it to influence my work.  I also want to be thinner, hence my forthcoming gym visits (I don't want to be muscly, I want to be THIN!!!!) I'm not going all anorexic, like poor Hannah from Hollyoaks, however on a slightly less related note, the thought of food generally bores the fuck out of me, but then I guess it would frustrate anyone who constantly had to hear what NEXT WEEK'S dinner is. 

So my aims:
Thinner
Richer (or at least stable)
Leave Bedford in a year (probably back to Aber, though won't rule other unis/drama colleges out)
Creative
Social spark even if I miss my best friends, and probably have to start from scratch again if I'm going to make ANY process
Anything else is a bonus really.

Ta-ra for now
xxIAINxx

Brian won. This surprised me, as while I wanted Liam to win, I expected the twins to.  They were all pretty good in their own right though. The series wasn't as bad as the "ratings decline" would make out.

But anyway...

Got an interview on Monday, will update properly after that.

xxIAINxx